Monday night while I was in the shower I started thinking about our midwife and our birthing choices, and I started freaking out. I don't know what happened, but my mind start whirling around thinking that maybe she wasn't knowledgeable enough and I started doubting her/our choice of going with a midwife. Logically, I know that midwives are just as trained to handle birth as any obstetrition. They are just trained to handle it in a different way. A way that I accept and want for myself and my birth.
But for some reason I started focusing on how she hadn't emailed me back in two days - maybe that meant she was forgetful and would forget something really important on my most important day. Or how she had her apprentice come along to our first meeting without mentioning it to me beforehand, which threw me off... even though I ended up liking her apprentice and she helped out with videotaping our first hearing of the heartbeat. And other silly little things like that, that I blew up into way more than they really were.
So I got out of the shower, dressed, and told Kevin I thought I was maybe in a funk. After some prodding on his part, I started blabbering about all this and really working myself up. He did the right thing, came over to me and held me while I got it all out, and then told me it wouldn't be stupid to ask her to give me all the facts all the time because I'm that kind of person and I need to be able to know that she knows what she's doing. And really, that if she can't handle that need of mine, then she's really not the midwife for us.
Except, I think she is, because we really liked her when we first met her, and we liked that she had 10 years of labor and delivery nursing under her belt, plus all the midwife training. She was easy to talk to, could be serious/funny/understanding when it felt right, etc.
And I KNOW that this is the route I want to take. I do not want to go to the hospital. I do not want interventions pushed on me. I do not want a bajillion people hovering over me, staring at my hoohah, while I'm lying down unnaturally pushing a human out of said hoohah. (I know it's not always like that. Many hospitals/obstetritions are very openminded about birth and the different ways women need to birth. I'm just going on what I know, and from people I've talked to personally.)
I want a calm atmosphere where I can decide my positions, and how often I want to change them. I want the choice to birth in the shower, the tub, on the bed, on the floor, standing, squatting, all fours... whatever feels right at the moment. I want to choose who I want around me, and when I want them there. I want to birth unmedicated, because I believe my body was meant to do this and I know I can handle this natural process in order to birth my baby safely and meet this lentil on the other side of it. I want a midwife who thinks in this way and will guide me to a safe and natural labor and birth of my baby.
So, this IS right for me. And I know this, but I am a worrier, and my mind got the best of me, for only a few minutes. I know this is what I want to do, but I've never done it and so I have doubts that will only dissipate with experience.
Kevin assured me that I've been a moma for long before we even met, so there was no way that this wouldn't go the way it's supposed to. And that our midwife was only there in case of emergencies. It isn't really about her, or anyone else for that matter.
It's about me, him, and this baby that we've made, and that I'm growing in my body. It's about us.
And so I felt calm again about my decision, and I can't wait until next week (I think) when we'll hear the baby's heartbeat again. Hopefully this time for longer than 3 seconds. And I'll be able to share all my concerns and fears and doubts (and hopes and wishes, etc) with our midwife, and I'm sure she'll be able to make me feel all at ease about my decision.
Phew. Pregnancy sure is a roller coaster of emotions. I know it's perfectly natural to one day be so sure of something, and then the next wonder what the hell I'm doing.