Jun 16, 2010

Monday Evening Freakout

Monday night while I was in the shower I started thinking about our midwife and our birthing choices, and I started freaking out. I don't know what happened, but my mind start whirling around thinking that maybe she wasn't knowledgeable enough and I started doubting her/our choice of going with a midwife. Logically, I know that midwives are just as trained to handle birth as any obstetrition. They are just trained to handle it in a different way. A way that I accept and want for myself and my birth.

But for some reason I started focusing on how she hadn't emailed me back in two days - maybe that meant she was forgetful and would forget something really important on my most important day. Or how she had her apprentice come along to our first meeting without mentioning it to me beforehand, which threw me off... even though I ended up liking her apprentice and she helped out with videotaping our first hearing of the heartbeat. And other silly little things like that, that I blew up into way more than they really were.

So I got out of the shower, dressed, and told Kevin I thought I was maybe in a funk. After some prodding on his part, I started blabbering about all this and really working myself up. He did the right thing, came over to me and held me while I got it all out, and then told me it wouldn't be stupid to ask her to give me all the facts all the time because I'm that kind of person and I need to be able to know that she knows what she's doing. And really, that if she can't handle that need of mine, then she's really not the midwife for us.

Except, I think she is, because we really liked her when we first met her, and we liked that she had 10 years of labor and delivery nursing under her belt, plus all the midwife training. She was easy to talk to, could be serious/funny/understanding when it felt right, etc.

And I KNOW that this is the route I want to take. I do not want to go to the hospital. I do not want interventions pushed on me. I do not want a bajillion people hovering over me, staring at my hoohah, while I'm lying down unnaturally pushing a human out of said hoohah. (I know it's not always like that. Many hospitals/obstetritions are very openminded about birth and the different ways women need to birth. I'm just going on what I know, and from people I've talked to personally.)

I want a calm atmosphere where I can decide my positions, and how often I want to change them. I want the choice to birth in the shower, the tub, on the bed, on the floor, standing, squatting, all fours... whatever feels right at the moment. I want to choose who I want around me, and when I want them there. I want to birth unmedicated, because I believe my body was meant to do this and I know I can handle this natural process in order to birth my baby safely and meet this lentil on the other side of it. I want a midwife who thinks in this way and will guide me to a safe and natural labor and birth of my baby.

So, this IS right for me. And I know this, but I am a worrier, and my mind got the best of me, for only a few minutes. I know this is what I want to do, but I've never done it and so I have doubts that will only dissipate with experience.

Kevin assured me that I've been a moma for long before we even met, so there was no way that this wouldn't go the way it's supposed to. And that our midwife was only there in case of emergencies. It isn't really about her, or anyone else for that matter.

It's about me, him, and this baby that we've made, and that I'm growing in my body. It's about us.

And so I felt calm again about my decision, and I can't wait until next week (I think) when we'll hear the baby's heartbeat again. Hopefully this time for longer than 3 seconds. And I'll be able to share all my concerns and fears and doubts (and hopes and wishes, etc) with our midwife, and I'm sure she'll be able to make me feel all at ease about my decision.

Phew. Pregnancy sure is a roller coaster of emotions. I know it's perfectly natural to one day be so sure of something, and then the next wonder what the hell I'm doing.


  1. I agree with Kevin that you just ask away about anything and everything and you should get your answers that is what they are there for, bless your heart try not to worry too much, but I do understand, all mothers have been there and probably some fathers too :o)

  2. I agree that you should have everything you want, too. This process is ALL about you (and enjoy that while you can...cause post-partum it's all about the baby, lol!).

    Anyway, what you want can be had in a hospital with an actual obgyn...should you opt to go that route. It really just depends on the doctor.

    My doctor (who delivered both my kiddos) is VERY open minded and into natural ways - but also is willing to drug ya up, if that's what's needed/wanted.

    She never pushed me in any one direction - she totally rocked. I know that's not the case with ALL docs, but those kinds DO exist.

    With my first I did a natural hospital birth...ouch. ouch and ouch :P Thankfully though, the pushing didn't last long and you forget how much it hurt after the fact.

    With my second I KNEW I wanted and epi...no ifs ands or buts about it! And it turns out...I HAD to had one. My water broke before I started going into labor, and after waiting nearly 15 hours for the labor to start naturally, it didn't, the baby was getting stressed and they had to induce me. Induction causes MUCH more severe and fast pains...so the epi was a MUST...and a miracle...although it did make me feel sick and I couldn't eat and THAT was terrible...but not as terrible as those induced pains! (I nearly had an emergency C-section, btw. They were about to roll me away because I wasn't dilating and the baby was under mega stress and then Lennon came like *that*! It was a total blessing!!!).

    Anyway...wow. I'm a rambler.

    It's my opinion that everyone should have at least ONE drug free child birth - then you can *really* say you did it, lol! That being said...I'd *never* go natural again. Those orgasmic birth books and all that jazz is pure lunacy.

    Anyway, I like the fact that going the hospital route means you can go natural and do as you like - assuming your doc rocks...it's important to come up with a clear written birth plan if you question whether or not you'll get your way! - but if you chicken out last minute and decide you'd like an epidural - it's a possibility.


    Better go make lunch...

  3. Athiest Mama - I know there are understanding and openminded docs out there, but I just feel like there's SO much to do already that I can't imagine trying to find one now.

    The OBGYN I was seeing pre-preggo said there was NO way she'd get down on the floor if that's where I wanted to deliver (squatting, for instance). Just the way she answered that question with no budge-room or even consideration for what I might be feeling about the situation.

    And about the birth center, I like that there's no drugs even available there, so I am going into this whole thing knowing that this is how it's going to go.

    Of course, if there's an emergency, we are a stone's throw away from a hospital where they have a transport agreement. She can call while we're on the way and they will get anything we need set up for us. So an epi and c-section are possibilities, but not something I want so readily accessible.

    Being at a freestanding birth center, I'll really have to know that I want something before we actually decide to make the trek over to the hospital. And it IS something that I truly want to do.

  4. You are going to be great!!!

    You ask all your questions and I'm sure your midwife will be happy to answer them. If, later on, you don't feel comfortable with her, even all of a sudden at 37 weeks or something, you can still switch midwives. Its definitely something that is done!

    Don't listen to anyone who tells you that something is going to be one way or the other, or that anything is "pure lunacy"! The biggest thing I have learned as a doula is that EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. And that's beautiful and wonderful!

    Though it means that not all questions and answers will be cut-and-dry, which can be frustrating, it also means that your birth has the potential to be entirely different from your girlfriend's birth experience, or your mom's, or your neighbor's, etc.

    Now go dance away that funk mood!


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