Baby Update and Honesty about the Fear of Pain

I went to the midwife yesterday, at 40 weeks + 2 days. It was a good visit, but left me feeling scared. It was nothing that my midwife did. She was perfect in fact. Let me explain.


First of all, baby is wonderful! Still in the best position, with her back a little to the left of my belly button, which will make it easy for her to turn just right to slide through the birth canal in the most painless way possible (as opposed to being posterior, which is where her back is facing my back, and causes the head to scrape against the pelvic bones on the way out - ouch!). Her heart tones are strong and steady, to which midwife said "Don't be too happy in there... it's nice out here too!" Everything on my part looks good: urine (she's said that I have the best urine she's seen in a long time! haha), not much swelling now that I'm not working and on my feet every day (but still a little), no headaches, dizziness, etc.


We decided to check my dilation, which I was iffy about doing. We decided to do it only so that we can have a baseline to measure my progress with should I still be pregnant next Tuesday - my next scheduled appointment. (Please, don't let me still be pregnant!)


This is where my naivety pretty much left me. I will try to explain this without getting too personal because I know that my grandparents read this and probably a bunch of other family that just stay behind the scenes, but for years I have had problems with pain "down there." It's very sensitive, to the point where even a regular gynological exam is more painful for me than it is for the average person. I have no idea why this is. I've seen doctors about it, but we can't quite figure it out. It's just something I have to deal with. Knowing this has been a point of anxiety for me with this pregnancy, thinking that labor and pushing the baby out may be more painful than average because of my physical issues.


When my midwife began checking me, I was a little tense anticipating the pain, which of course made it a bit painful. And she told me (warned me) that I would feel a pinching feeling when she pulled my cervix down so that she could check the dilation, which I did. And it hurt. Really bad. I tried to relax and practice my breathing, but basically it really freaked me out and I just started imagining how painful birthing this baby really is going to be (because I know that checking my cervix is nothing compared to pushing a 7+ pound baby out). I squeezed the crap out of Kevin's hand while trying to relax my body. Self-doubt exploded and I cried.


My midwife was so great about calming me. She leaned down to hug me (which I doubt most doctors would do in that situation), she talked with me, she really looked at me and tried to build my confidence. She's wonderful!


We left the appointment, at which time I cried again because it was just me and Kevin in the car, and I babbled and snotted and said "I can't do this" over and over again. He said some really great things, got me to calm down some, and we ran errands before going home for the night.


See, I know my body can do this. My body was made for growing and nurturing and birthing a baby - I believe that with all my heart and being. But I have never experienced a lot of pain before - never been in an accident, never broken a bone, etc. I have nothing to gauge this pain on, and nothing to know what my pain tolerance is. And I know that my appointment yesterday was really just a taste of what's to come. I know on the scale it doesn't measure up to childbirth, but it just opened my eyes to what's about to happen. And it's scary! The fear of pain has been the hardest bit about my decision to have a natural childbirth to deal with.


But I know that this is what is best for my baby and for me. I want to be undrugged so that I can have that immediate connection with my child. So I can look at her and she can look at me and we can actually see each other. So that I can be aware of what's going on around me and within me (however scary and painful that may be). So that I can recover quickly and be able to go home the same day to the comfort of my home. So that I can birth in my own way, moving around and making noise. So that I can choose who will be around me at any given time - women who have braved this passage before and can know what I will be going through, who can help me to believe that I am doing a great job. So that my husband can be a hugely active part of this labor, from coaching me the entire time, to catching the baby, to making decisions, etc. So that I can have a calm atmosphere that I control.


Birth and the pain that comes with it is a very scary thing to imagine (for anyone, really), especially when checking my dilation was a lot more painful than I anticipated, but having a natural birth is still what I think and feel is best for my baby and I. Perhaps having experienced this bit of pain yesterday is a good thing, so that I can better prepare myself for what's to come. I know I still have no idea the enormity of what I'm about to physically experience, but maybe just having a small feel for it is better than going into it blindly.


This post may be a bit too much information for some, but it's the truth, and honesty is better than trying to make everything seem like roses. I know there are other women out there with similar issues, and working through them can be really tough, both physically and emotionally. This pain is something I've been dealing with for many years now. I just hope that I get a surge of confidence and am able to push through my labor and delivery strong and sure of myself. I will have a great support system around me: 2 midwives, my doula, and my husband. My midwives and doula have had natural births and are so supportive and will give me what I need to make it through. And of course my husband will help me in more ways than that. He will be my rock that I will look to for assurance, strength, support, and love.


I just have to think like the little engine that could: "I think I can, I think I can..." I know I can.

Week 39, Letter to Adelaide

Dear Adelaide,




As your father and I wait for you, we talk about who you will be. We talk about what you will look like, who's nose you will have, how tall you will be. You have half of your father and half of me in your genes, and how exactly we combined to make you is still a mystery. We only have a few days until we find out how much hair you have, how tiny your fingers are, how cute your mouth will be. People always say that waiting to find out if a baby is a boy or girl until birth is the biggest surprise of life, but even knowing that you will be our baby girl, I think that not knowing what you will look like and who you will be is just as great of a surprise.

[Just a teensy bit of space left! If you wait till your due date, I bet I'll touch!]

Yesterday, your dad and I were watching a tv game show, where two sisters were trying to win enough money to pay off their mother's mortgage. They talked about who their mother was, and what she meant to them. They cried when thinking of that love for her, and then I cried thinking that I am a mom to a daughter and we will share that kind of love. I already feel so much for you, and I'm anxious and excited to experience our relationship through the years. I will be your nurturer, your guide to the world and life, your secret-keeper. I can picture us as you grow, but only time will really tell who we will be together.

[Can you see my love for you? It grows every day.]

Your birth is so near. Although I'm not having many contractions throughout the day (and not strong when I do), I can tell. Our midwife says your head has dropped even lower, but that you still have room to grow, if you need to. I want you to stay warm and cozy inside my belly as long as you need, sweet girl. I want you to be nice and strong and healthy and ready for this world. I will be here waiting as long as it takes. When you are ready to come out, you will be welcomed with smiles and kisses. We hope that your father will be the first one to touch you as you come out, and with the midwife's help, he will place you into my arms, where I will hold you and cradle you to my breast. We will stare at each other and instantly that love will connect us for all time.

[Your fluffy brother, Keagan. His winter coat is beautiful!]

I am so, so ready to meet you. Your room is ready, our birth bags are packed, the house is (pretty much) clean. the Christmas tree is up and decorated, food is cooked and in the freezer for those days we can't bear to be in the kitchen. Now I am just waiting for you to come say hello!

I love you, baby!
~Moma


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. We got our camera back last week! My photos are so much better!

38 Weeks & Letter to Lentil

Dear Adelaide,

We're getting so close baby girl! I can't wait to meet you! Every day that passes now seems like we're bounds and leaps closer to your birth day. I've stopped saying how many weeks I have left, and now I'm just counting down the days.

You have a habit of kicking your feet out on the right side of my belly. Always, always, I can feel you kicking there. Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it makes me really happy because I can just picture those little feet. They will be so tiny and wrinkled. I can't wait to count your toes and tickle your feet and kiss them all over. You will be so sweet, I just know it!


Our midwife says everything looks good. Your heartbeat is always perfect, and you are still in the best possible position for birth. Stay that way! :) Your head is really low and tight in my pelvis now, and you're getting ready to go!

I go through a mix of emotions when I think about labor. On one hand, I am afraid of the pain. I was telling your dad the other day that I don't have anything to compare pain to. I have been really lucky in this life to not have gotten hurt. I've never broken a bone, been in an accident, had food poisoning... nothing big. So I have nothing to base my tolerance of pain against. I'm scared of how bad it will hurt to have my body working to move us closer together, to move you out of my body and into this world.

But on the other hand, I am so very excited for labor! I am looking forward to being fully present and aware of what is happening with my body, of knowing every step of the way that what my body is doing is moving you down and out of me, so that we can finally meet and I can kiss those toes. I am looking forward to doing this myself, so that I can feel powerful and know that I can do anything. And I can't wait to see how your dad helps me. I know he'll be amazing and present and compassionate.

There is nothing I've done that's more exciting than you, sweet girl. We'll meet soon and be forever mother and daughter. I love you!

Love,
Moma

Midwife appointment update

Yesterday I had an appointment with my midwife. It was a very basic appointment, where she basically just checked the baby and my blood pressure and asked me a few questions (headaches, swelling, drinking enough water, eating healthy foods, etc.). I feel I've been a bad patient as I haven't been drinking enough water and I've been eating quite a bit of junk food. But all is well, and baby is in perfect position. Still not fully engaged, as there's a bit of wiggle room with her head down there, but otherwise showing a good position. Heart tones were great as well, in the 140s with a bit of acceleration here and there, which is a good thing my midwife assured me.

Baby Adelaide hadn't been very active for the past couple of days, but my midwife says that as they get further along and more ready for the birth, babies settle down a bit. She said that if I do get worried, that I could just eat something sweet, lay down for a couple of hours and I should feel about 10 movements in that period of time. Thankfully though, the appointment must have woken her up, because baby has been very active since and I've not needed to worry.

As I get closer, my moods are going crazy! I'll be so excited to meet this little one, and the next minute I'm crying because I'm worried I won't do a good job as a mom. I stress about how the house gets so messy so quickly and that makes me think that if I can't keep my house clean how am I supposed to take care of a BABY??? I think nerves and excitement and anxiety and fear and joy are all mixed into one. Lack of sleep from tossing and turning (and getting up to pee), and a poorer than normal diet both have something to do with these mood swings, I'm sure. I'll take extra attention to get more rest and eat healthier these last couple of weeks (and spend time every day picking up a little here and there, no matter how tired I am).

It will be so soon that I get to meet my little sweet girl! I hope I'm ready.

33 Weeks! And heartfelt letter to Lentil.

Dear Adelaide,

You really put your moma into a frizzy this week.  You decided to turn breech for a few days, which is when your head is up, when it's supposed to be down.  I knew right away when it happened, because I could feel your head like a hard roundness at the top of my belly.  I could also feel strong kicks down low.... kicks that made me go "woah!"  They were very strong.

A couple of days later, we had an appointment with our midwife, and she confirmed what I knew was true.  You were breech.  She told me to put a board against the couch and lay down on it with my head down, so I was inverted.  That was supposed to get you up out of the pelvic area so you would have room to turn.  I did that a few times over the weekend and it worked!  

Everything started feeling normal again, and I made a quick appointment with the midwife just to have her feel my belly so I could stop worrying.  And of course, I already knew, but you had turned back the way you were supposed to be and you were head down.  She even thought that maybe you were already becoming engaged, which is getting ready for birth!  We still have 6.5 weeks though, so don't be too anxious to come out, please!

Why did it freak me out so badly that you were breech?  (And why does it freak me out that you could still change your mind and become breech again?)  If you were to be breech when I went into labor, I wouldn't be able to birth you at the birth center.  I would have to find an obstetrician in the last month or so, and chances are that doctor would immediately recommend a c-section, which is surgery to get you out.  Not many doctors are trained anymore how to help a woman birth a breech baby.  There are a lot of complications, but it can be done.  

[I was hiding from the neighbors so they wouldn't think I was silly for taking pictures in the front yard.]

A c-section is still a possibility, and I know that.  I know that even if I begin labor at the birth center, an unforeseen complication could arise and make us have to transfer to the hospital.  But that would be after we tried a natural birth.  

When I was picturing myself having a c-section the couple of days you were breech, I was so worried.  I know what surgery would do to me.  Physically healing would be tough.  But the emotional healing would be way harder.  After working towards a natural birth for 8 months so far, to have to change plans to a medicated surgery where our first picture would be me dazed out and your dad holding your precious body next to my face so we could meet.... That's not what I want (although, again, I know it could happen).  I just don't want that scenario.  I hope, hope, hope that was the only "scare" this pregnancy will give me.  

[Kevin thinks I look like the girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who swallowed the blueberry gum!]

I want to be fully awake and aware and raw when I meet you.  I can't wait to hold your newly birthed body against my chest and feel your slippery skin and smell your baby smell.  I'm so excited to meet you and I love you so much!  Each week that passes, as we get so close, I really can't contain the emotions I'm feeling.  

Things are coming together in so many ways, and your dad and I are preparing for the best part of our lives: you.

We love you!

Love,

Moma

Midwife Check-Up

Yesterday I went to the midwife for her to feel my belly, and Adelaide is in the PERFECT POSITION! :)

I guess she wanted to freak me out for a little bit by going breech for a week, but everything feels good now.

Midwife said that her head felt very low, possibly engaged (to which Kevin said, "everything's going so fast! I haven't even met her yet and she's already engaged!... silly!). She was able to tell me where all her little parts were: her butt, her feet, her back. She held a babydoll over my belly to help me visualize her position.

Also, from what I read on Spinning Babies, most babies that are breech who do turn, end up being posterior (baby's back at moma's back, resulting in back labor - ouch!). Adelaide is NOT posterior! Her back is to the left of my belly button, which is the best position right now. That will make it easier for her to center herself when the time comes, and be able to come right out the way she's supposed to. I'm doing a lot of pelvic rocks every night to help her stay that way (one thing the Bradley method encouraged).

So yay! Keep your fingers crossed that she'll stay this way for me! No more freaking mom out, Adelaide!

A few things. And Friday Fill-In.

I have a midwife appointment this afternoon.  I'm nervous.  Adelaide has been sitting differently in my belly all week, and I've been feeling strong movements way down low and not many up top.  I'm worried she's breech.  At almost 33 weeks she is probably getting into whatever position she's going to be in, and breech is not what I want.  We'll find out today, and I'll let you know.

I've been busy busy busy working on the house.  At the end of each night this week I survey my progress and it doesn't seem like much, but I know that at least some progress is being made.  My baby shower is in a couple of weeks, at my house, so that's kind of a deadline that I'm trying to meet.  Have the house presentable by then.  Which basically means not cluttered and halfway clean.

And one more teeny tiny thing:

Help the Teemant family.  I don't know this family, and I can only somewhat imagine what they are going through as the dad suffers from stage IV melanoma.  No matter how many projects are on my to-do list or how many bills I have to pay, I know they are nothing compared to what this family is dealing with right now.  I hope hope hope that he can get better for his wife and children.

Now for the Friday Fill-In, because they are so fun:

1. One of my strongest beliefs is that all people and animals are equal in the world.  There is no one being more important or higher than another.

2. My belly is getting huge!
 
3. The sky is cloudy with a threat of rain and wind and cold, so I wore a jacket and scarf today.

4. My bed, with all its layers and fluff is comforting to me.

5. I always thought I'd be a mom of a school-aged kid by now.

6. The students have been crazy this week so I vented to another teacher.  After hearing her theory, I agreed and then I went outside to look at the full moon.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching the show Medium, tomorrow my plans include a major purging of clutter and Sunday, I want to work on some cute bunting for Adelaide's room!

16 Week Midwife Appointment

Dear Little Lentil,


One week ago your daddy and I went in for our 2nd appointment with the midwife. I was nervous about this appointment for a couple reasons. One, I was unsure we picked the right midwife for us, but it turns out that I was just worrying about any and everything I could (including her). She made me feel much more comfortable, at least for now, and spent over an hour talking with me and letting me ask her all sorts of questions (like, why do I get these horrible headaches every day? and when does my belly get hard?).

I was also nervous that for some reason we wouldn't be able to hear your heartbeat. One month ago at our last appointment, the doppler only picked up your heartbeat for 2 seconds or so. We were grateful that we could even hear your heartbeat at all, but it left us wanting more.

Part of me wondered if I made it up, hearing your heartbeat. Even though we had video evidence that it was not a part of my imagination, your moma tends to worry... a lot. I was just so scared that something had happened to you in the last month, or that we would hear something wrong in your heartbeat, and the midwife would turn to us and say that we needed to go get an ultrasound, stat!

But you are healthy, and strong, and your heartbeat sounded so beautiful to my ears, and to your dad's ears. I can still replay in my mind the sound and speed of your tiny heart. 153 beats per minute (that's so fast!!!). Your dad confessed that at work a few days later he set up a metronome on his phone to 153 beats per minute and drummed along to it. He couldn't get it out of his head either.

And ever since then, since there was real proof that you do exist within me, I have felt even so much more connected to you. Our spirits are entwined, little one. I love you so much, baby, and when the light changes it's probably my hands rubbing my belly, sending that love straight to you.

Love,
Moma