{Adelaide} One Week

Dear Adelaide,

You entered my life one week ago. Your birth was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but the most rewarding. I would do it one million times over if it meant I could have you over and over again. During my 32-hour labor, I was faced with self-doubt and worry, fear and pain. Your father was with me throughout the entire process, and helped me see that I could birth you in the way I had always dreamed of. Being my first baby, I had no vision of what to expect during labor and your delivery, no landmarks to know what was happen. Every hour, every turn, every bit of progress was new, exciting, and scary.

When I think now and try to imagine how painful the contractions were (each one working you down to meet us), my mind has blocked the memories. I remember being in pain, but the pain isn't there. The thought of your birth is not overshadowed by that pain anymore. It was momentary and necessary, and totally worth it. You are the result of that work, and you are the most amazing gift that I could have received for it.

The past week has flown by. You are so beautiful. Your father and I saw the beauty in you instantly, from the moment you were handed to me by our midwife. I cried tears of joy and you were able to truly connect with us because I labored drug-free. From day one, we've spent hours staring at you, while you sleep or while you stare back with scrunchy, furrowed eyebrows.


You are happy now that my milk has come in and my favorite moments with you are when you're breastfeeding. I love the milk-drunk look you get, with your eyes rolling back and closing with contentment. I love hearing you gulp down your milk, and when you pop off the breast and your head rolls back, I can see drips of milk running down your chin. It makes me happy to be able to feed you.

You sleep in between your father and I, so I can feed you exactly when you need it. I love feeling your little body next to mine, and I don't mind waking up every 2-3 hours to feed you or change your diaper. I couldn't imagine putting you in a crib in another room... sleeping as a family feels so natural to me.


We love you so much little one. You are our daughter! It's amazing and we've loved getting to know you. Every day is special... just don't grow up too fast!

Love,

Moma

41 Weeks

Dear Adelaide,

I'm 41 weeks preganant with you today. For the longest time I didn't think it would bother me to go over my due date. After all, I know that biologically due dates don't mean much. What really matters is how ready YOU are to come out into this big world. Most first time mothers (and many mothers in general) need more than 40 weeks before they'll go into labor. I learned this in my Bradley methods classes. When people asked me when I was due, I'd say "December 12th, but I don't really believe in due dates." I said, and still believe, that you will let me know when you are ready, even if that means another week of carrying you in my belly.

But then December 12th came and went and you didn't come that day. Or the next, or the next, and you're still not here, a week later. It's December 19th, and I still don't know when you'll be ready.

There are some signs though that tell me labor is on it's way. I won't gross you out with the details (unless you ask, then I'll be more than happy to share with you), but I do know that my body is getting ready for the marathon that will be the labor and birth of you, my sweet precious daughter.

For instance, the last two nights I have felt contractions, different from the practice contractions called Braxton Hicks. Instead of just tightening up my belly, these contractions were sharp, crampy pains that I felt from front to back, in my belly and in my lower back. They hurt, but I knew that if they were the true onset of labor, it would get a lot stronger and harder to handle. So I breathed through them and tried (unsuccessfully) to get more sleep, but I was just so excited that something could be happening. Then I woke up in the morning, yesterday and today, and they went away.

I have been dealing with a lot of emotions this past week, waiting for you to come, knowing that it could be any moment. Patience, frustration, sadness, excitement. Even jealousy for those women I knew who were having their babies before their due dates, when I am waiting past mine. I just can't wait for that moment when we meet. I am so close to finally seeing you and touching you and learning who you are that it's almost unbearable. Each day that passes is a trial in waiting for you. I hope it is making me a stronger person. Your dad is getting pretty antsy, too. He can't wait to see your little feet. He says you will be so beautiful, and he thinks you're going to have gorgeous eyes and a headful of hair.

Your dad and I think maybe you're waiting for the winter solstice. It's in 2 days and it would be pretty neat to have you on the first day of winter. This year there will be a lunar eclipse on the winter solstice. We think maybe you just want a grand entrance. Although, no matter when you decide to come, it will be the grandest moment of our lives. I guess only time will tell. It may even be tonight! And even though I am scared of how much pain this will be, how difficult and long it may be, I know that I will meet you soon and that makes it all worth it.

I love you sweet girl!
~Moma

Week 39, Letter to Adelaide

Dear Adelaide,




As your father and I wait for you, we talk about who you will be. We talk about what you will look like, who's nose you will have, how tall you will be. You have half of your father and half of me in your genes, and how exactly we combined to make you is still a mystery. We only have a few days until we find out how much hair you have, how tiny your fingers are, how cute your mouth will be. People always say that waiting to find out if a baby is a boy or girl until birth is the biggest surprise of life, but even knowing that you will be our baby girl, I think that not knowing what you will look like and who you will be is just as great of a surprise.

[Just a teensy bit of space left! If you wait till your due date, I bet I'll touch!]

Yesterday, your dad and I were watching a tv game show, where two sisters were trying to win enough money to pay off their mother's mortgage. They talked about who their mother was, and what she meant to them. They cried when thinking of that love for her, and then I cried thinking that I am a mom to a daughter and we will share that kind of love. I already feel so much for you, and I'm anxious and excited to experience our relationship through the years. I will be your nurturer, your guide to the world and life, your secret-keeper. I can picture us as you grow, but only time will really tell who we will be together.

[Can you see my love for you? It grows every day.]

Your birth is so near. Although I'm not having many contractions throughout the day (and not strong when I do), I can tell. Our midwife says your head has dropped even lower, but that you still have room to grow, if you need to. I want you to stay warm and cozy inside my belly as long as you need, sweet girl. I want you to be nice and strong and healthy and ready for this world. I will be here waiting as long as it takes. When you are ready to come out, you will be welcomed with smiles and kisses. We hope that your father will be the first one to touch you as you come out, and with the midwife's help, he will place you into my arms, where I will hold you and cradle you to my breast. We will stare at each other and instantly that love will connect us for all time.

[Your fluffy brother, Keagan. His winter coat is beautiful!]

I am so, so ready to meet you. Your room is ready, our birth bags are packed, the house is (pretty much) clean. the Christmas tree is up and decorated, food is cooked and in the freezer for those days we can't bear to be in the kitchen. Now I am just waiting for you to come say hello!

I love you, baby!
~Moma


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P.S. We got our camera back last week! My photos are so much better!

38 Weeks & Letter to Lentil

Dear Adelaide,

We're getting so close baby girl! I can't wait to meet you! Every day that passes now seems like we're bounds and leaps closer to your birth day. I've stopped saying how many weeks I have left, and now I'm just counting down the days.

You have a habit of kicking your feet out on the right side of my belly. Always, always, I can feel you kicking there. Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it makes me really happy because I can just picture those little feet. They will be so tiny and wrinkled. I can't wait to count your toes and tickle your feet and kiss them all over. You will be so sweet, I just know it!


Our midwife says everything looks good. Your heartbeat is always perfect, and you are still in the best possible position for birth. Stay that way! :) Your head is really low and tight in my pelvis now, and you're getting ready to go!

I go through a mix of emotions when I think about labor. On one hand, I am afraid of the pain. I was telling your dad the other day that I don't have anything to compare pain to. I have been really lucky in this life to not have gotten hurt. I've never broken a bone, been in an accident, had food poisoning... nothing big. So I have nothing to base my tolerance of pain against. I'm scared of how bad it will hurt to have my body working to move us closer together, to move you out of my body and into this world.

But on the other hand, I am so very excited for labor! I am looking forward to being fully present and aware of what is happening with my body, of knowing every step of the way that what my body is doing is moving you down and out of me, so that we can finally meet and I can kiss those toes. I am looking forward to doing this myself, so that I can feel powerful and know that I can do anything. And I can't wait to see how your dad helps me. I know he'll be amazing and present and compassionate.

There is nothing I've done that's more exciting than you, sweet girl. We'll meet soon and be forever mother and daughter. I love you!

Love,
Moma

34 Weeks

Can you believe that there used to be a lot of space between me and the other tree???  Now I'm getting so close!  With less than 6 weeks to go, I'm thinking I'll get there, for sure.  My friends and family are guessing as to which week they think I'll no longer fit!

Dear Adelaide,

Things are going really well, for the most part.  The house is getting tidier, your room is getting ready.  You are still head-down and the midwife thinks you're engaging, which means that your head is dropping down under my pelvic bone to get ready for birth!  

For some reason, now that I have 6 weeks left, everything feels surreal again.  In the beginning it didn't feel real because I couldn't feel you move.  Now you're so big that I simply can't ignore that you're there, but it feels unreal because it'll be so soon that your body will be out of my body.  And we'll be able to hold you and hear you and see you.  

I've been very lucky to have an easy pregnancy.  There are three other ladies at work that are pregnant.  One is due 2 weeks after you, and she's had problems with her back.  One is due in February and she got really bad morning sickness for a long time.  And the other is due in May with twins, and she's had a whole slew of pregnancy-related issues.  

Thankfully I've only had to deal with headaches (in the beginning, from not drinking enough water) and heartburn (off and on for the past few months.  I'm not taking any medicine for it though because I don't want it to get to you!) so I just have to deal with.  

However, I have developed a little bit of carpel tunnel syndrome, which makes my right wrist hurt pretty badly sometimes.  And in the morning when I wake up, my right hand feels so swollen and painful that sometimes I want to cry.  It's hard for me to bend my fingers or hold things first thing in the morning.  I think it's because I sleep mostly on my right side and the weight of my body on my arm makes it hard for the blood to flow.  And since there's so much more blood in my body now, for you, that equals painful swelling and joints.

Other than that, I've had no issues (well, and that week-long freakout of you being breech!).  I hope that the last 6 weeks continue to treat me well!  Stay in there, girl, and keep getting strong and ready for us!

We love you!

33 Weeks! And heartfelt letter to Lentil.

Dear Adelaide,

You really put your moma into a frizzy this week.  You decided to turn breech for a few days, which is when your head is up, when it's supposed to be down.  I knew right away when it happened, because I could feel your head like a hard roundness at the top of my belly.  I could also feel strong kicks down low.... kicks that made me go "woah!"  They were very strong.

A couple of days later, we had an appointment with our midwife, and she confirmed what I knew was true.  You were breech.  She told me to put a board against the couch and lay down on it with my head down, so I was inverted.  That was supposed to get you up out of the pelvic area so you would have room to turn.  I did that a few times over the weekend and it worked!  

Everything started feeling normal again, and I made a quick appointment with the midwife just to have her feel my belly so I could stop worrying.  And of course, I already knew, but you had turned back the way you were supposed to be and you were head down.  She even thought that maybe you were already becoming engaged, which is getting ready for birth!  We still have 6.5 weeks though, so don't be too anxious to come out, please!

Why did it freak me out so badly that you were breech?  (And why does it freak me out that you could still change your mind and become breech again?)  If you were to be breech when I went into labor, I wouldn't be able to birth you at the birth center.  I would have to find an obstetrician in the last month or so, and chances are that doctor would immediately recommend a c-section, which is surgery to get you out.  Not many doctors are trained anymore how to help a woman birth a breech baby.  There are a lot of complications, but it can be done.  

[I was hiding from the neighbors so they wouldn't think I was silly for taking pictures in the front yard.]

A c-section is still a possibility, and I know that.  I know that even if I begin labor at the birth center, an unforeseen complication could arise and make us have to transfer to the hospital.  But that would be after we tried a natural birth.  

When I was picturing myself having a c-section the couple of days you were breech, I was so worried.  I know what surgery would do to me.  Physically healing would be tough.  But the emotional healing would be way harder.  After working towards a natural birth for 8 months so far, to have to change plans to a medicated surgery where our first picture would be me dazed out and your dad holding your precious body next to my face so we could meet.... That's not what I want (although, again, I know it could happen).  I just don't want that scenario.  I hope, hope, hope that was the only "scare" this pregnancy will give me.  

[Kevin thinks I look like the girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who swallowed the blueberry gum!]

I want to be fully awake and aware and raw when I meet you.  I can't wait to hold your newly birthed body against my chest and feel your slippery skin and smell your baby smell.  I'm so excited to meet you and I love you so much!  Each week that passes, as we get so close, I really can't contain the emotions I'm feeling.  

Things are coming together in so many ways, and your dad and I are preparing for the best part of our lives: you.

We love you!

Love,

Moma

31 Weeks - and the countdown is on...

Dear Adelaide,

My baby girl, you are getting so big!  My belly has changed shape, from being a nice round bump to hanging down more low.  It always feels so full and heavy now.  You kick and punch and turn constantly.  You never let me worry about if you're alright in there because I can always just wait a few minutes and you'll let me know things are just fine!

I especially like it when we play handsie/footsie.  If I feel you pushing out at one particular spot, I'll press on it pretty hard so that you feel me.  Then you kick or punch, and sometimes you just slide away.  Either way, all I can picture is little hands and feet all wrinkled up.  Not too much longer and I can kiss those hands and feet and watch you learn the world with them.

You're definitely growing, and changing how you're resting in there.  Sometimes when I'm sitting around, it feels like you're up so high!  I have to push you down just so I can breathe.  I know you're only going to get bigger as the weeks go by.  I can't believe we have only 9 more until we meet you!!!  We're into the single digits, baby!

I can't wait to see how our four cats will treat you, and how you will treat them.  I plan to raise you with a deep sense of caring for all creatures, and it will start with them.  I think Cassiey - the brown one - will love on you as long as I will let her.  Skit - the black one - will probably ignore the fact that there's a itty bitty baby around.  Keagan - the white and black one - will run and hide at your slightest cry (he's such a scaredy-cat).  And Tan One - not pictured because she has to stay inside due to allergies - well, I think it will take some time, but she will love on you as crazily as she does us, I bet.  They are our furry babies.

Our family feels so right, and you're not even here yet!  Last night while you had the hiccups (again), I put your dad's hand on my belly and he said "Give me my Adelaide!"  I mentioned that I couldn't wait until I could really hand you over to him and see your tiny self in his big arms.  He then corrected me, saying that it will be more like me having to pry you away from him because he won't want to let go.  I am really looking forward to seeing that bond between you two grow.  I wish for you a wonderful and deep father-daughter connection, and if I know your dad, he's going to make sure that happens.

Love, Moma

20 Weeks & Lentil Letter

Dear Lentil,

I am 20 weeks pregnant with you (on Sunday) - that means I am finally at the halfway mark of this pregnancy. I know the second half will fly by so much faster than the first, and that kind of freaks me out because I know there is still so much to do to get ready for you.

Your daddy and I have started a childbirth class that will last 10 weeks. We've been to a couple classes already and even though I haven't really learned anything new (your moma likes to do a lot of research!), it has been nice to be around other pregnant couples. There are 8 couples in the class, and one of those are due on the same day as me! Another thing that's been really nice about the class is that it's giving your dad and me a chance to connect. We get to do our "homework" for the class every night, which is really just me relaxing and him rubbing my back or my legs (or wherever I tell him to!). I look forward to this kind of homework! :)

Another big moment this past week was that your papa could finally feel you kicking. See, two weeks ago (at 18 weeks) I started feeling this little pushes in my belly. They were so faint at first that I didn't want to get my hopes up that it was you in there. Then they got a little stronger, and always seemed to happen in the same spots, down low in my pelvic area. Then at 19 weeks, I could put my hand on my belly under my belly button (which is starting to look a little weird with my belly getting bigger!) and feel your movements inside and out! Only a couple of days later I got your dad to put his hand on my belly and wait for a few minutes. Every time you'd kick I'd give him an expectant look but he would just shrug because even though I felt it inside, it wasn't strong enough for him to feel it outside.

Until you gave a big sweeping jab across my belly! It was the biggest kick I've felt from you this whole time! His eyes got all round and I knew he felt it. What a cool moment. :) I finally feel like he can connect with you in a big way. Maybe you knew he was waiting there for you and you wanted to give a first hello. Or maybe you were just stretching. No matter what, we'll never forget it.

Oh, and we also hired a doula! She'll help us during the birth, giving your dad ideas about how to help me with the pain, since we're doing a medication-free birth for you. She's a friend, and she's getting her certification to be a doula, so she offered to help us for free.

As I get closer to the birth, I feel a sense of calm come over me. I'm still worried about the pain, but I know my body can do this. After all, my body was MADE to grow and birth and nourish a baby.

Oh, and we're also picking out paint colors for your room. I want to go neutral - I'm not big on pink for girls and blue for boys. It's really tough to choose which gray will be the best gray! Some grays are too blue, some are too purple. I think I've found the perfect one though, but I need to get it tinted lighter. I want a very airy, refreshing room for you. I'm so excited to get this room ready for you! Only 5 more months, baby!

*hugs and kisses*

Your moma

16 Week Midwife Appointment

Dear Little Lentil,


One week ago your daddy and I went in for our 2nd appointment with the midwife. I was nervous about this appointment for a couple reasons. One, I was unsure we picked the right midwife for us, but it turns out that I was just worrying about any and everything I could (including her). She made me feel much more comfortable, at least for now, and spent over an hour talking with me and letting me ask her all sorts of questions (like, why do I get these horrible headaches every day? and when does my belly get hard?).

I was also nervous that for some reason we wouldn't be able to hear your heartbeat. One month ago at our last appointment, the doppler only picked up your heartbeat for 2 seconds or so. We were grateful that we could even hear your heartbeat at all, but it left us wanting more.

Part of me wondered if I made it up, hearing your heartbeat. Even though we had video evidence that it was not a part of my imagination, your moma tends to worry... a lot. I was just so scared that something had happened to you in the last month, or that we would hear something wrong in your heartbeat, and the midwife would turn to us and say that we needed to go get an ultrasound, stat!

But you are healthy, and strong, and your heartbeat sounded so beautiful to my ears, and to your dad's ears. I can still replay in my mind the sound and speed of your tiny heart. 153 beats per minute (that's so fast!!!). Your dad confessed that at work a few days later he set up a metronome on his phone to 153 beats per minute and drummed along to it. He couldn't get it out of his head either.

And ever since then, since there was real proof that you do exist within me, I have felt even so much more connected to you. Our spirits are entwined, little one. I love you so much, baby, and when the light changes it's probably my hands rubbing my belly, sending that love straight to you.

Love,
Moma