{Adelaide} One Week

Dear Adelaide,

You entered my life one week ago. Your birth was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but the most rewarding. I would do it one million times over if it meant I could have you over and over again. During my 32-hour labor, I was faced with self-doubt and worry, fear and pain. Your father was with me throughout the entire process, and helped me see that I could birth you in the way I had always dreamed of. Being my first baby, I had no vision of what to expect during labor and your delivery, no landmarks to know what was happen. Every hour, every turn, every bit of progress was new, exciting, and scary.

When I think now and try to imagine how painful the contractions were (each one working you down to meet us), my mind has blocked the memories. I remember being in pain, but the pain isn't there. The thought of your birth is not overshadowed by that pain anymore. It was momentary and necessary, and totally worth it. You are the result of that work, and you are the most amazing gift that I could have received for it.

The past week has flown by. You are so beautiful. Your father and I saw the beauty in you instantly, from the moment you were handed to me by our midwife. I cried tears of joy and you were able to truly connect with us because I labored drug-free. From day one, we've spent hours staring at you, while you sleep or while you stare back with scrunchy, furrowed eyebrows.


You are happy now that my milk has come in and my favorite moments with you are when you're breastfeeding. I love the milk-drunk look you get, with your eyes rolling back and closing with contentment. I love hearing you gulp down your milk, and when you pop off the breast and your head rolls back, I can see drips of milk running down your chin. It makes me happy to be able to feed you.

You sleep in between your father and I, so I can feed you exactly when you need it. I love feeling your little body next to mine, and I don't mind waking up every 2-3 hours to feed you or change your diaper. I couldn't imagine putting you in a crib in another room... sleeping as a family feels so natural to me.


We love you so much little one. You are our daughter! It's amazing and we've loved getting to know you. Every day is special... just don't grow up too fast!

Love,

Moma

Baby Update and Honesty about the Fear of Pain

I went to the midwife yesterday, at 40 weeks + 2 days. It was a good visit, but left me feeling scared. It was nothing that my midwife did. She was perfect in fact. Let me explain.


First of all, baby is wonderful! Still in the best position, with her back a little to the left of my belly button, which will make it easy for her to turn just right to slide through the birth canal in the most painless way possible (as opposed to being posterior, which is where her back is facing my back, and causes the head to scrape against the pelvic bones on the way out - ouch!). Her heart tones are strong and steady, to which midwife said "Don't be too happy in there... it's nice out here too!" Everything on my part looks good: urine (she's said that I have the best urine she's seen in a long time! haha), not much swelling now that I'm not working and on my feet every day (but still a little), no headaches, dizziness, etc.


We decided to check my dilation, which I was iffy about doing. We decided to do it only so that we can have a baseline to measure my progress with should I still be pregnant next Tuesday - my next scheduled appointment. (Please, don't let me still be pregnant!)


This is where my naivety pretty much left me. I will try to explain this without getting too personal because I know that my grandparents read this and probably a bunch of other family that just stay behind the scenes, but for years I have had problems with pain "down there." It's very sensitive, to the point where even a regular gynological exam is more painful for me than it is for the average person. I have no idea why this is. I've seen doctors about it, but we can't quite figure it out. It's just something I have to deal with. Knowing this has been a point of anxiety for me with this pregnancy, thinking that labor and pushing the baby out may be more painful than average because of my physical issues.


When my midwife began checking me, I was a little tense anticipating the pain, which of course made it a bit painful. And she told me (warned me) that I would feel a pinching feeling when she pulled my cervix down so that she could check the dilation, which I did. And it hurt. Really bad. I tried to relax and practice my breathing, but basically it really freaked me out and I just started imagining how painful birthing this baby really is going to be (because I know that checking my cervix is nothing compared to pushing a 7+ pound baby out). I squeezed the crap out of Kevin's hand while trying to relax my body. Self-doubt exploded and I cried.


My midwife was so great about calming me. She leaned down to hug me (which I doubt most doctors would do in that situation), she talked with me, she really looked at me and tried to build my confidence. She's wonderful!


We left the appointment, at which time I cried again because it was just me and Kevin in the car, and I babbled and snotted and said "I can't do this" over and over again. He said some really great things, got me to calm down some, and we ran errands before going home for the night.


See, I know my body can do this. My body was made for growing and nurturing and birthing a baby - I believe that with all my heart and being. But I have never experienced a lot of pain before - never been in an accident, never broken a bone, etc. I have nothing to gauge this pain on, and nothing to know what my pain tolerance is. And I know that my appointment yesterday was really just a taste of what's to come. I know on the scale it doesn't measure up to childbirth, but it just opened my eyes to what's about to happen. And it's scary! The fear of pain has been the hardest bit about my decision to have a natural childbirth to deal with.


But I know that this is what is best for my baby and for me. I want to be undrugged so that I can have that immediate connection with my child. So I can look at her and she can look at me and we can actually see each other. So that I can be aware of what's going on around me and within me (however scary and painful that may be). So that I can recover quickly and be able to go home the same day to the comfort of my home. So that I can birth in my own way, moving around and making noise. So that I can choose who will be around me at any given time - women who have braved this passage before and can know what I will be going through, who can help me to believe that I am doing a great job. So that my husband can be a hugely active part of this labor, from coaching me the entire time, to catching the baby, to making decisions, etc. So that I can have a calm atmosphere that I control.


Birth and the pain that comes with it is a very scary thing to imagine (for anyone, really), especially when checking my dilation was a lot more painful than I anticipated, but having a natural birth is still what I think and feel is best for my baby and I. Perhaps having experienced this bit of pain yesterday is a good thing, so that I can better prepare myself for what's to come. I know I still have no idea the enormity of what I'm about to physically experience, but maybe just having a small feel for it is better than going into it blindly.


This post may be a bit too much information for some, but it's the truth, and honesty is better than trying to make everything seem like roses. I know there are other women out there with similar issues, and working through them can be really tough, both physically and emotionally. This pain is something I've been dealing with for many years now. I just hope that I get a surge of confidence and am able to push through my labor and delivery strong and sure of myself. I will have a great support system around me: 2 midwives, my doula, and my husband. My midwives and doula have had natural births and are so supportive and will give me what I need to make it through. And of course my husband will help me in more ways than that. He will be my rock that I will look to for assurance, strength, support, and love.


I just have to think like the little engine that could: "I think I can, I think I can..." I know I can.

38 Weeks & Letter to Lentil

Dear Adelaide,

We're getting so close baby girl! I can't wait to meet you! Every day that passes now seems like we're bounds and leaps closer to your birth day. I've stopped saying how many weeks I have left, and now I'm just counting down the days.

You have a habit of kicking your feet out on the right side of my belly. Always, always, I can feel you kicking there. Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it makes me really happy because I can just picture those little feet. They will be so tiny and wrinkled. I can't wait to count your toes and tickle your feet and kiss them all over. You will be so sweet, I just know it!


Our midwife says everything looks good. Your heartbeat is always perfect, and you are still in the best possible position for birth. Stay that way! :) Your head is really low and tight in my pelvis now, and you're getting ready to go!

I go through a mix of emotions when I think about labor. On one hand, I am afraid of the pain. I was telling your dad the other day that I don't have anything to compare pain to. I have been really lucky in this life to not have gotten hurt. I've never broken a bone, been in an accident, had food poisoning... nothing big. So I have nothing to base my tolerance of pain against. I'm scared of how bad it will hurt to have my body working to move us closer together, to move you out of my body and into this world.

But on the other hand, I am so very excited for labor! I am looking forward to being fully present and aware of what is happening with my body, of knowing every step of the way that what my body is doing is moving you down and out of me, so that we can finally meet and I can kiss those toes. I am looking forward to doing this myself, so that I can feel powerful and know that I can do anything. And I can't wait to see how your dad helps me. I know he'll be amazing and present and compassionate.

There is nothing I've done that's more exciting than you, sweet girl. We'll meet soon and be forever mother and daughter. I love you!

Love,
Moma

33 Weeks! And heartfelt letter to Lentil.

Dear Adelaide,

You really put your moma into a frizzy this week.  You decided to turn breech for a few days, which is when your head is up, when it's supposed to be down.  I knew right away when it happened, because I could feel your head like a hard roundness at the top of my belly.  I could also feel strong kicks down low.... kicks that made me go "woah!"  They were very strong.

A couple of days later, we had an appointment with our midwife, and she confirmed what I knew was true.  You were breech.  She told me to put a board against the couch and lay down on it with my head down, so I was inverted.  That was supposed to get you up out of the pelvic area so you would have room to turn.  I did that a few times over the weekend and it worked!  

Everything started feeling normal again, and I made a quick appointment with the midwife just to have her feel my belly so I could stop worrying.  And of course, I already knew, but you had turned back the way you were supposed to be and you were head down.  She even thought that maybe you were already becoming engaged, which is getting ready for birth!  We still have 6.5 weeks though, so don't be too anxious to come out, please!

Why did it freak me out so badly that you were breech?  (And why does it freak me out that you could still change your mind and become breech again?)  If you were to be breech when I went into labor, I wouldn't be able to birth you at the birth center.  I would have to find an obstetrician in the last month or so, and chances are that doctor would immediately recommend a c-section, which is surgery to get you out.  Not many doctors are trained anymore how to help a woman birth a breech baby.  There are a lot of complications, but it can be done.  

[I was hiding from the neighbors so they wouldn't think I was silly for taking pictures in the front yard.]

A c-section is still a possibility, and I know that.  I know that even if I begin labor at the birth center, an unforeseen complication could arise and make us have to transfer to the hospital.  But that would be after we tried a natural birth.  

When I was picturing myself having a c-section the couple of days you were breech, I was so worried.  I know what surgery would do to me.  Physically healing would be tough.  But the emotional healing would be way harder.  After working towards a natural birth for 8 months so far, to have to change plans to a medicated surgery where our first picture would be me dazed out and your dad holding your precious body next to my face so we could meet.... That's not what I want (although, again, I know it could happen).  I just don't want that scenario.  I hope, hope, hope that was the only "scare" this pregnancy will give me.  

[Kevin thinks I look like the girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who swallowed the blueberry gum!]

I want to be fully awake and aware and raw when I meet you.  I can't wait to hold your newly birthed body against my chest and feel your slippery skin and smell your baby smell.  I'm so excited to meet you and I love you so much!  Each week that passes, as we get so close, I really can't contain the emotions I'm feeling.  

Things are coming together in so many ways, and your dad and I are preparing for the best part of our lives: you.

We love you!

Love,

Moma

Midwife Check-Up

Yesterday I went to the midwife for her to feel my belly, and Adelaide is in the PERFECT POSITION! :)

I guess she wanted to freak me out for a little bit by going breech for a week, but everything feels good now.

Midwife said that her head felt very low, possibly engaged (to which Kevin said, "everything's going so fast! I haven't even met her yet and she's already engaged!... silly!). She was able to tell me where all her little parts were: her butt, her feet, her back. She held a babydoll over my belly to help me visualize her position.

Also, from what I read on Spinning Babies, most babies that are breech who do turn, end up being posterior (baby's back at moma's back, resulting in back labor - ouch!). Adelaide is NOT posterior! Her back is to the left of my belly button, which is the best position right now. That will make it easier for her to center herself when the time comes, and be able to come right out the way she's supposed to. I'm doing a lot of pelvic rocks every night to help her stay that way (one thing the Bradley method encouraged).

So yay! Keep your fingers crossed that she'll stay this way for me! No more freaking mom out, Adelaide!

My Bradley Childbirth Class Experience

Last night was the last of my 12-week stint at childbirth classes.  

When Kevin and I were trying to decide which "method" we were more interested in, we looked them all up, thought about them, and decided on the Bradley method.  It wasn't hard for us to make that decision, as it's all about dad-centered coaching and teaching you all about what's going on in your body.  With my type A personality, I like knowing exactly what my muscles will be doing at any given time.  I am usually better when I'm armed with rational, scientific information.  Which is why a method like the Hypnobabies doesn't seem like something that would work for me.  (However, I do have a version of a hypnobirthing book that came with a short cd, and I will definitely read the book and try it out before totally dismissing it - you never know!)  And instead of trying to control your breathing into unnatural patterns, the Bradley method teaches you to relax completely and breathe normally.  

The class was $300 for the 12 weeks, which breaks down to $25 per 2-hour class.  We also had to purchase 3 books for the class: Husband-Coached Childbirth by Robert Bradley which focused on speaking to the dad about what his role is going to be in the whole pregnancy/birth process; Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon, which was more about the physical process of labor and exercises to do to prepare; and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by the La Leche League, which appears to be the nursing bible.

Personally, I feel like I could have skipped taking the class.  Like I said, I'm type A, so I do a lot of research and reading.  Most of what was talked about in class is stuff I got straight from the books.  I didn't need to hear the teacher repeat the same information I read the night before.  What I DID enjoy, however, was getting to be around other pregnant women and the dads.  It was nice to have some time each week to see everyone's growing bellies and hear their stories.  I will miss all that.  I also enjoyed when we did our exercises or practiced relaxing as a class.  

And I think the class also helped Kevin and me connect.  We have this thing in common (having a baby), and the class made us focus on it.  And a bonus - we took the class early enough in the pregnancy, that now we have 11 more weeks to keep going, talking, and practicing our techniques so that I'm the most prepared I can be for a natural birth in less than three months!

I'm glad to have my Monday nights back.  All in all, I will probably skip taking a class the next time around.  I can spend my money elsewhere and meet other moms another way.  But if you're someone who needs to learn from a teacher and hear the information, a class may be the way to go for you!  And it may be cheaper... I live near a larger city, so I don't know if that had something to do with the cost.  Definitely weigh the pros and cons of paying for a class, to see if it's right for you, and ask for references from previous class takers.  You never know, maybe I would have had a more meaningful experience with a different teacher?

I am looking forward to when we (all the couples in the class) have our babies, because we're planning on a reunion potluck to share our birth stories and cuddle with lots of squishy babies.  Hopefully we'll all be able to share how the Bradley method helped us have a natural birth.  We'll see!