Baby Update and Honesty about the Fear of Pain

I went to the midwife yesterday, at 40 weeks + 2 days. It was a good visit, but left me feeling scared. It was nothing that my midwife did. She was perfect in fact. Let me explain.


First of all, baby is wonderful! Still in the best position, with her back a little to the left of my belly button, which will make it easy for her to turn just right to slide through the birth canal in the most painless way possible (as opposed to being posterior, which is where her back is facing my back, and causes the head to scrape against the pelvic bones on the way out - ouch!). Her heart tones are strong and steady, to which midwife said "Don't be too happy in there... it's nice out here too!" Everything on my part looks good: urine (she's said that I have the best urine she's seen in a long time! haha), not much swelling now that I'm not working and on my feet every day (but still a little), no headaches, dizziness, etc.


We decided to check my dilation, which I was iffy about doing. We decided to do it only so that we can have a baseline to measure my progress with should I still be pregnant next Tuesday - my next scheduled appointment. (Please, don't let me still be pregnant!)


This is where my naivety pretty much left me. I will try to explain this without getting too personal because I know that my grandparents read this and probably a bunch of other family that just stay behind the scenes, but for years I have had problems with pain "down there." It's very sensitive, to the point where even a regular gynological exam is more painful for me than it is for the average person. I have no idea why this is. I've seen doctors about it, but we can't quite figure it out. It's just something I have to deal with. Knowing this has been a point of anxiety for me with this pregnancy, thinking that labor and pushing the baby out may be more painful than average because of my physical issues.


When my midwife began checking me, I was a little tense anticipating the pain, which of course made it a bit painful. And she told me (warned me) that I would feel a pinching feeling when she pulled my cervix down so that she could check the dilation, which I did. And it hurt. Really bad. I tried to relax and practice my breathing, but basically it really freaked me out and I just started imagining how painful birthing this baby really is going to be (because I know that checking my cervix is nothing compared to pushing a 7+ pound baby out). I squeezed the crap out of Kevin's hand while trying to relax my body. Self-doubt exploded and I cried.


My midwife was so great about calming me. She leaned down to hug me (which I doubt most doctors would do in that situation), she talked with me, she really looked at me and tried to build my confidence. She's wonderful!


We left the appointment, at which time I cried again because it was just me and Kevin in the car, and I babbled and snotted and said "I can't do this" over and over again. He said some really great things, got me to calm down some, and we ran errands before going home for the night.


See, I know my body can do this. My body was made for growing and nurturing and birthing a baby - I believe that with all my heart and being. But I have never experienced a lot of pain before - never been in an accident, never broken a bone, etc. I have nothing to gauge this pain on, and nothing to know what my pain tolerance is. And I know that my appointment yesterday was really just a taste of what's to come. I know on the scale it doesn't measure up to childbirth, but it just opened my eyes to what's about to happen. And it's scary! The fear of pain has been the hardest bit about my decision to have a natural childbirth to deal with.


But I know that this is what is best for my baby and for me. I want to be undrugged so that I can have that immediate connection with my child. So I can look at her and she can look at me and we can actually see each other. So that I can be aware of what's going on around me and within me (however scary and painful that may be). So that I can recover quickly and be able to go home the same day to the comfort of my home. So that I can birth in my own way, moving around and making noise. So that I can choose who will be around me at any given time - women who have braved this passage before and can know what I will be going through, who can help me to believe that I am doing a great job. So that my husband can be a hugely active part of this labor, from coaching me the entire time, to catching the baby, to making decisions, etc. So that I can have a calm atmosphere that I control.


Birth and the pain that comes with it is a very scary thing to imagine (for anyone, really), especially when checking my dilation was a lot more painful than I anticipated, but having a natural birth is still what I think and feel is best for my baby and I. Perhaps having experienced this bit of pain yesterday is a good thing, so that I can better prepare myself for what's to come. I know I still have no idea the enormity of what I'm about to physically experience, but maybe just having a small feel for it is better than going into it blindly.


This post may be a bit too much information for some, but it's the truth, and honesty is better than trying to make everything seem like roses. I know there are other women out there with similar issues, and working through them can be really tough, both physically and emotionally. This pain is something I've been dealing with for many years now. I just hope that I get a surge of confidence and am able to push through my labor and delivery strong and sure of myself. I will have a great support system around me: 2 midwives, my doula, and my husband. My midwives and doula have had natural births and are so supportive and will give me what I need to make it through. And of course my husband will help me in more ways than that. He will be my rock that I will look to for assurance, strength, support, and love.


I just have to think like the little engine that could: "I think I can, I think I can..." I know I can.

Week 39, Letter to Adelaide

Dear Adelaide,




As your father and I wait for you, we talk about who you will be. We talk about what you will look like, who's nose you will have, how tall you will be. You have half of your father and half of me in your genes, and how exactly we combined to make you is still a mystery. We only have a few days until we find out how much hair you have, how tiny your fingers are, how cute your mouth will be. People always say that waiting to find out if a baby is a boy or girl until birth is the biggest surprise of life, but even knowing that you will be our baby girl, I think that not knowing what you will look like and who you will be is just as great of a surprise.

[Just a teensy bit of space left! If you wait till your due date, I bet I'll touch!]

Yesterday, your dad and I were watching a tv game show, where two sisters were trying to win enough money to pay off their mother's mortgage. They talked about who their mother was, and what she meant to them. They cried when thinking of that love for her, and then I cried thinking that I am a mom to a daughter and we will share that kind of love. I already feel so much for you, and I'm anxious and excited to experience our relationship through the years. I will be your nurturer, your guide to the world and life, your secret-keeper. I can picture us as you grow, but only time will really tell who we will be together.

[Can you see my love for you? It grows every day.]

Your birth is so near. Although I'm not having many contractions throughout the day (and not strong when I do), I can tell. Our midwife says your head has dropped even lower, but that you still have room to grow, if you need to. I want you to stay warm and cozy inside my belly as long as you need, sweet girl. I want you to be nice and strong and healthy and ready for this world. I will be here waiting as long as it takes. When you are ready to come out, you will be welcomed with smiles and kisses. We hope that your father will be the first one to touch you as you come out, and with the midwife's help, he will place you into my arms, where I will hold you and cradle you to my breast. We will stare at each other and instantly that love will connect us for all time.

[Your fluffy brother, Keagan. His winter coat is beautiful!]

I am so, so ready to meet you. Your room is ready, our birth bags are packed, the house is (pretty much) clean. the Christmas tree is up and decorated, food is cooked and in the freezer for those days we can't bear to be in the kitchen. Now I am just waiting for you to come say hello!

I love you, baby!
~Moma


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. We got our camera back last week! My photos are so much better!

38 Weeks & Letter to Lentil

Dear Adelaide,

We're getting so close baby girl! I can't wait to meet you! Every day that passes now seems like we're bounds and leaps closer to your birth day. I've stopped saying how many weeks I have left, and now I'm just counting down the days.

You have a habit of kicking your feet out on the right side of my belly. Always, always, I can feel you kicking there. Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it makes me really happy because I can just picture those little feet. They will be so tiny and wrinkled. I can't wait to count your toes and tickle your feet and kiss them all over. You will be so sweet, I just know it!


Our midwife says everything looks good. Your heartbeat is always perfect, and you are still in the best possible position for birth. Stay that way! :) Your head is really low and tight in my pelvis now, and you're getting ready to go!

I go through a mix of emotions when I think about labor. On one hand, I am afraid of the pain. I was telling your dad the other day that I don't have anything to compare pain to. I have been really lucky in this life to not have gotten hurt. I've never broken a bone, been in an accident, had food poisoning... nothing big. So I have nothing to base my tolerance of pain against. I'm scared of how bad it will hurt to have my body working to move us closer together, to move you out of my body and into this world.

But on the other hand, I am so very excited for labor! I am looking forward to being fully present and aware of what is happening with my body, of knowing every step of the way that what my body is doing is moving you down and out of me, so that we can finally meet and I can kiss those toes. I am looking forward to doing this myself, so that I can feel powerful and know that I can do anything. And I can't wait to see how your dad helps me. I know he'll be amazing and present and compassionate.

There is nothing I've done that's more exciting than you, sweet girl. We'll meet soon and be forever mother and daughter. I love you!

Love,
Moma

Check! Found a pediatrician! Oh, and now I can legally give birth.

I just got back from meeting with a pediatrician, who I've decided is pretty great. It was a really quick meeting, where I didn't ask nearly enough questions, and it actually felt kind of rushed. So you're probably asking what makes this guy/place so great.

Well, the whole practice works with a very natural, holistic mindset. The physician, his assistants, and the nurses all share the same philosophy and beliefs about healthcare - that it's a mind and body thing, not something to be treated automatically with a prescription. As a pediatrician, this doctor I've met with basically said, before even I got a chance to ask, that he will work with us on whatever immunization schedule we want, when we want it. That's a plus for us. We haven't worked out exactly what we want, but we're pretty sure we're going to be on the "as-little-as-possible" end.

He also said that he will only prescribe medicine when really, really needed, and only after trying other routes to solve a problem. This is good for us because we rarely take medicine ourselves (why would we assume our child would?).

He is also perfectly accepting and fine of our intention to solely breastfeed, and that we are a vegetarian family.

So yay! And not only did I check off finding a pediatrician, by meeting with this physician, I was able to have him sign a form clearing me to give birth at the birth center. Legally I need that form to prove that I am low-risk, and I've got it!

Now I need to figure out insurance for this little one. I know I've waited too long, but I'm calling them today (as soon as I get done with lunch!). Hopefully it won't be a hassle and will be easy to set up.

Check! Called Colonial insurance yesterday!

Woohoo! That was easy! And I got something checked off my big to-do list! :)

Along with my regular state health insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield), I also have a Disability plan with Colonial Life. I signed up for a pretty minimal plan with them years ago in the case that I'd get pregnant, as that's covered under disability (what?!).

I just called today and talked with a wonderful representative (awesome customer service so far!) about the process of filing a claim since I had no idea how that works. I've been really healthy and lucky so far in my life and haven't had to file any claims. The birth center is filing my BCBS claim for me, and all my dentists have filed dental claims, so this will be my first!

Under my plan, if everything goes well with the delivery, and I'm able to deliver vaginally, I will be eligible for $250/week for 5 weeks. If there are complications, surgery, hospital stays, problems healing, etc... I will be eligible for more.

The only thing I need to do is fax in a form filled out by the midwife after delivery, along with a copy of her license and a letter saying that I went to an actual OBGYN (which I did, for the ultrasound). Two weeks later I get a check.

Sweet! I feel good. :) Come on baby, stay healthy for moma!

My Bradley Childbirth Class Experience

Last night was the last of my 12-week stint at childbirth classes.  

When Kevin and I were trying to decide which "method" we were more interested in, we looked them all up, thought about them, and decided on the Bradley method.  It wasn't hard for us to make that decision, as it's all about dad-centered coaching and teaching you all about what's going on in your body.  With my type A personality, I like knowing exactly what my muscles will be doing at any given time.  I am usually better when I'm armed with rational, scientific information.  Which is why a method like the Hypnobabies doesn't seem like something that would work for me.  (However, I do have a version of a hypnobirthing book that came with a short cd, and I will definitely read the book and try it out before totally dismissing it - you never know!)  And instead of trying to control your breathing into unnatural patterns, the Bradley method teaches you to relax completely and breathe normally.  

The class was $300 for the 12 weeks, which breaks down to $25 per 2-hour class.  We also had to purchase 3 books for the class: Husband-Coached Childbirth by Robert Bradley which focused on speaking to the dad about what his role is going to be in the whole pregnancy/birth process; Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon, which was more about the physical process of labor and exercises to do to prepare; and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by the La Leche League, which appears to be the nursing bible.

Personally, I feel like I could have skipped taking the class.  Like I said, I'm type A, so I do a lot of research and reading.  Most of what was talked about in class is stuff I got straight from the books.  I didn't need to hear the teacher repeat the same information I read the night before.  What I DID enjoy, however, was getting to be around other pregnant women and the dads.  It was nice to have some time each week to see everyone's growing bellies and hear their stories.  I will miss all that.  I also enjoyed when we did our exercises or practiced relaxing as a class.  

And I think the class also helped Kevin and me connect.  We have this thing in common (having a baby), and the class made us focus on it.  And a bonus - we took the class early enough in the pregnancy, that now we have 11 more weeks to keep going, talking, and practicing our techniques so that I'm the most prepared I can be for a natural birth in less than three months!

I'm glad to have my Monday nights back.  All in all, I will probably skip taking a class the next time around.  I can spend my money elsewhere and meet other moms another way.  But if you're someone who needs to learn from a teacher and hear the information, a class may be the way to go for you!  And it may be cheaper... I live near a larger city, so I don't know if that had something to do with the cost.  Definitely weigh the pros and cons of paying for a class, to see if it's right for you, and ask for references from previous class takers.  You never know, maybe I would have had a more meaningful experience with a different teacher?

I am looking forward to when we (all the couples in the class) have our babies, because we're planning on a reunion potluck to share our birth stories and cuddle with lots of squishy babies.  Hopefully we'll all be able to share how the Bradley method helped us have a natural birth.  We'll see!